Monday, October 11, 2010

2 kids, twice the mess, fun, memories, worry...Half the "me-time". While I sit in this leather swivel chair with Samantha in the Bjorn, rocking back and forth while she sleeps, and typing away, I now have a new definition of the meaning "multi-tasking". It's a good thing I took typing 101 in High School or I might no be able to tell where the keys on the keyboard are, since it is also dark in this room. With 2 kids down for a nap and only the white noise of the fan keeping me company, I can't help but to think about life before children. What the Hell did I do all day that kept me so "busy"? Thinking back to a couple of years ago when we had just Tanner and I decided to take on my biggest adventure yet and do something that I have always thought about doing when I didn't have kids. With two kids under my belt now, I can't possibly imagine going down to Florida or some other state by myself, for two weeks to try and qualify for a professional golf tour. It seems outragious, selfish and flat out exhausting just thinking about it. I struggle with this daily though and realize that I am not the only mother out there feeling this way, surely. Lots of moms I'm sure have such a drive and motivation to acheive all they ever wanted to acheive, kids or no kids. But Kid 1 rolls around and you still have 90% of that drive, but by kid 2 (for me anyway), the biggest drive you have for something is getting a nice hot shower in. In my house, showers are a luxery for me. I'm very lucky if I get a shower every other day. I don't have time to think about how gross that is, and I know it will change once Sam gets older and doesnt want to be held all day long, and once I come out of zombieland. Do I get a bit envious of my husband because he gets to take a shower every morning before he goes to work? You betcha. It makes me really frustrated though to have these feelings of, I'm a mom, I stay at home, so I'm done with my dreams. It doesn't have to be like that. I'm just as deserving as the next person who wants something big for themself. For me, my children's dreams are the most important thing to me now, but how are they ever going to find themselves worthy of chasing dreams and wanting big things for themselves if their own mom doesn't walk the walk? It's crucial that I don't lose sight on what is important in life. My family comes first, period. Wether I never pick up a golf club again, or pursue my golf like I used to, whats important is teaching my children through my actions and not just my words. That goes without saying in every aspect of my life. I can have that happy medium of family and all the things I love to do. I have to remind myself once in a while that my kids need me to be a healthy, happy mom, for them. My mom mever had a dream for herself and if she did or does, I don't know about it. I never understood why and always felt she settled and sells herself short. I don't want my kids to feel that way about me. I have changed as a person after I had Tanner and then Sam. My views have changed, my priorites have changed, and that's okay as long as I don't start talking myself out of doing things just for the pure fact that I am up to my knees in pee, poop, spit up and most likely dirty dishes most days. I'm still the same old me, and maybe I get lost in myself once in a while, but I always seem to find my way again. I love having two kids and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The only thing that's changed is that we will all be going on this adventure together now, this little thing we call LIFE.